Cancer reduced Arthur\u2019s world in stages. First he stopped driving at night. Then he stopped climbing the stairs unless necessary. Then the stairs became impossible altogether, and we moved a bed into the downstairs study. By the eighteenth first Tuesday, I could no longer pretend our trips downtown were merely inconvenient. Getting him into the car had become an operation involving oxygen tubing, a cushion, two medications, a thermos, and ten quiet minutes after he sat down so he could recover from crossing the driveway.<\/p>\n
He still refused to miss the appointment.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can call Katz,\u201d I told him that morning.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe can come here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are exhausted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be exhausted here too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not an argument.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt has the advantage of being true.\u201d<\/p>\n
I crouched in front of him to tie his shoes. His ankles were swollen. His hands rested on his knees, thinner than they had been the previous month.<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
He touched my hair.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something in his voice ended the debate.<\/p>\n
During the drive, he watched familiar streets slide past the window. There was a particular stillness in terminal illness that had nothing to do with weakness. People imagine dying makes every moment profound. It does not. Sometimes Arthur complained about potholes. Sometimes he asked whether we had milk. Sometimes he slept.<\/p>\n
That morning he counted intersections.<\/p>\n
At the fourth traffic light, he said, \u201cMargaret used to hate this road.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced at him.<\/p>\n
He rarely introduced his first wife into conversation without context.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said the lights were deliberately timed to punish impatient people.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe may have been right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe usually was.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
After a while he said, \u201cI wish Sandra remembered more of her mother accurately.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does she remember inaccurately?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat Margaret would approve of all this.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew what all this meant.<\/p>\n
The hostility.<\/p>\n
The possessions.<\/p>\n
The way Sandra spoke about me as if I had entered Arthur\u2019s life before Margaret left it, when in fact Margaret had been dead for eleven years before I first met him.<\/p>\n
\u201cGrief edits people,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Arthur looked through the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo does guilt.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word stayed with me.<\/p>\n
Before I could ask what he meant, we reached Mr. Katz\u2019s office.<\/p>\n
The lawyer met us outside.<\/p>\n
He and Arthur exchanged a look.<\/p>\n
Not dramatic.<\/p>\n
Not secretive in the childish sense.<\/p>\n
But practiced.<\/p>\n
That irritated me.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning, Helen,\u201d Mr. Katz said.<\/p>\n
\u201cApparently.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur almost smiled.<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz helped him inside.<\/p>\n
I followed.<\/p>\n
On the waiting-room table sat a fresh stack of magazines and a plate with two oatmeal cookies beneath plastic wrap.<\/p>\n
One cookie had a handwritten note beside it.<\/p>\n
HELEN.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the closed office door.<\/p>\n
Arthur had arranged my snack.<\/p>\n
Even while keeping half his life secret.<\/p>\n
I ate the cookie anyway.<\/p>\n
An hour passed.<\/p>\n
Then another.<\/p>\n
The office door remained closed.<\/p>\n
At eleven forty, Mr. Katz\u2019s assistant brought me more coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs he all right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat answer is becoming suspicious.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled. \u201cHe\u2019s stubborn.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat answer I trust.\u201d<\/p>\n
Twenty minutes later the door opened.<\/p>\n
Arthur came out in a wheelchair.<\/p>\n
I stood so fast my coffee spilled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou entered walking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m leaving more efficiently.\u201d<\/p>\n
His lips had almost no color.<\/p>\n
I knelt beside him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re going to the hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz touched my shoulder. \u201cHis oxygen dipped. It recovered.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him sharply. \u201cYou are not his physician.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don\u2019t sound like one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHelen.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur\u2019s tone was soft.<\/p>\n
I turned back to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cTake me home.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted to argue.<\/p>\n
Instead I wheeled him outside.<\/p>\n
In the car he slept with his head against the window.<\/p>\n
Halfway home, he woke and said, \u201cGlove compartment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s an envelope.\u201d<\/p>\n
I opened it at the next red light.<\/p>\n
Arthur Mercer \u2014 Capacity Evaluation.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He kept his eyes closed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMedical opinion.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have an oncologist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis doctor is independent.\u201d<\/p>\n
The light changed. A horn sounded behind us.<\/p>\n
I drove.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve been getting competency evaluations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSeveral.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
He opened his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo nobody can say later that I didn\u2019t understand what I was doing.\u201d<\/p>\n
My hands tightened around the steering wheel.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoing what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaking decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout the will?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAmong other things.\u201d<\/p>\n
The road noise suddenly seemed louder.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre Roy and Sandra threatening to challenge you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you preparing as if they will?\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur turned toward me.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I know my children.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer hurt him.<\/p>\n
I could hear it.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes Mr. Katz think they\u2019ll challenge?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks good records prevent bad arguments.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the recordings?\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur was silent.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw the recorder.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou record every appointment?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSame reason.\u201d<\/p>\n
A strange coldness moved through me.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two months was not housekeeping.<\/p>\n
It was fortification.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou think they\u2019ll accuse me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur\u2019s face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cHelen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll say I pressured you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t let them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll say I isolated you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll say you were medicated and I manipulated you.\u201d<\/p>\n
His silence told me I had reached the center.<\/p>\n
I pulled into a grocery-store parking lot and stopped the car.<\/p>\n
Arthur looked surprised.<\/p>\n
I turned off the engine.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor eighteen months, you have been walking into that office while I sit outside because you\u2019re documenting that your wife isn\u2019t influencing you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m documenting my choices.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo protect me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked away.<\/p>\n
Anger arrived before gratitude.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow dare you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI expected that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I told you, you would have spent eighteen months feeling watched.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have spent eighteen months feeling lied to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
I pressed my palms against my eyes.<\/p>\n
The steering wheel blurred when I looked up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are dying, Arthur. Do you understand how little time we have left? And you\u2019re spending it building legal walls around me.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice was barely audible.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
He looked exhausted and older than he had that morning.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly because I\u2019m dying.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of us spoke for a while.<\/p>\n
Cars moved through the parking lot.<\/p>\n
A woman pushed a cart loaded with bottled water.<\/p>\n
Someone honked near the pharmacy entrance.<\/p>\n
Life continued with insulting normality.<\/p>\n
Arthur reached for my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter I\u2019m gone, they will come for the house.\u201d<\/p>\n
My throat closed.<\/p>\n
He continued before I could answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey will come for money. They will come for anything they believe Margaret left behind. And when you resist, they will not attack me. I\u2019ll be dead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll attack you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can survive being disliked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt won\u2019t stop at dislike.\u201d<\/p>\n
The certainty in his face frightened me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
He withdrew his hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot enough yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s that word.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat word?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYet.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked away.<\/p>\n
I started the car.<\/p>\n
At home I helped him into bed.<\/p>\n
He slept until evening.<\/p>\n
While he slept, I counted his medication.<\/p>\n
Two tablets short.<\/p>\n
This time I did not blame myself.<\/p>\n
I photographed the bottle beside the prescription label.<\/p>\n
Then I removed one tablet from the same batch, placed it in a small plastic bag, and wrote the date across the front.<\/p>\n
When Arthur woke, I showed him.<\/p>\n
His expression barely changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou expected it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI suspected.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho visited while I was showering yesterday?\u201d<\/p>\n
He thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cSandra.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyone else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoy came by after lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey weren\u2019t here together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat beside him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are they doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what do you suspect?\u201d<\/p>\n
He closed his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI suspect they want me easier to manage.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence made my skin crawl.<\/p>\n
I remembered the hospice room.<\/p>\n
The ink mark on the blanket.<\/p>\n
The pen.<\/p>\n
The leather folder.<\/p>\n
\u201cThose papers they brought before.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat were they?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPower of attorney.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey tried to get you to sign power of attorney while you were sedated?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd a property transfer.\u201d<\/p>\n
My stomach turned.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhich property?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe house.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood so abruptly the chair struck the wall.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m calling the police.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is no not yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHelen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey tried to take your house while you were drugged.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey failed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t make it harmless.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why haven\u2019t you reported them?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room became very quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Katz has copies.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t the police.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
He reached toward the drawer beside his bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cOpen it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Inside lay a business card.<\/p>\n
Officer Daniel Bennett.<\/p>\n
Financial Crimes and Vulnerable Adults Unit.<\/p>\n
Beneath it was a report number.<\/p>\n
I sat again.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou filed a report.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThree weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWithout telling me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
My anger faltered.<\/p>\n
Not because I approved.<\/p>\n
Because I suddenly understood the scale of what Arthur had been doing.<\/p>\n
The lawyer.<\/p>\n
Capacity examinations.<\/p>\n
Recorded statements.<\/p>\n
Photographs.<\/p>\n
Medication counts.<\/p>\n
Police.<\/p>\n
He had not been passively waiting for death.<\/p>\n
He had been assembling a case.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t Officer Bennett contact me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked him not to yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause your records matter more if nobody can say I instructed you to make them.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought of my shoebox.<\/p>\n
He knew about it.<\/p>\n
Of course he knew.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew where I kept the evidence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew you had evidence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot where?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
A tired smile crossed his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were always better at hiding things than I was.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite myself, I laughed once.<\/p>\n
Then I cried.<\/p>\n
Arthur looked away because he hated watching me cry.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have trusted me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis does not feel like trust.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI trusted you enough to know you would stop me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop you from what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSpending the end of my life preparing for yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could not answer that.<\/p>\n
Three days later, Sandra visited with soup she had bought from a restaurant and transferred into one of her own containers.<\/p>\n
She found Arthur sleeping.<\/p>\n
I was in the kitchen when she came downstairs.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow is he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDying.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stiffened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to say it like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow should I say it?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked toward the study.<\/p>\n
\u201cHas Dad changed any financial documents recently?\u201d<\/p>\n
There was no lead-in.<\/p>\n
No shame.<\/p>\n
I dried a plate slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should ask him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe gets confused.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, he doesn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s on a lot of medication.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe knows exactly where he is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t know that every minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can know it better than you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her expression changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe nurse speaks.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The old insult.<\/p>\n
Normally I ignored it.<\/p>\n
That day I placed the plate on the counter and faced her.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cThe nurse speaks.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sandra blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the nurse knows every pill your father takes, every dosage, every prescribing doctor, every normal side effect, and every abnormal one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Color drained slightly from her face.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo if you\u2019re worried about his medication, ask me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not worried.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mentioned it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said he gets confused.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe doesn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
She picked up her purse.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always think you know everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the study door.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I know your father.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sandra left without saying goodbye.<\/p>\n
I watched through the window as she sat in her car for several minutes before driving away.<\/p>\n
That night Arthur asked what happened.<\/p>\n
I told him.<\/p>\n
He listened quietly.<\/p>\n
Then he said something strange.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid she look frightened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAngry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThink again.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did.<\/p>\n
The tight mouth.<\/p>\n
The pale face.<\/p>\n
The way she had left almost too quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is that good?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means she knows we\u2019re paying attention.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe?\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou and your shoebox.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said you didn\u2019t know where it was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen how\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have been married to me for nine years, Helen. You cannot sneak a shoebox through the laundry room without looking guilty.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed so hard I had to sit down.<\/p>\n
Arthur laughed too.<\/p>\n
It became a coughing fit.<\/p>\n
I held his shoulders until it passed.<\/p>\n
When he could breathe again, he leaned against me, exhausted.<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst Tuesday,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe next one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can skip it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can barely cross the room.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice had changed.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more what?\u201d<\/p>\n
He rested his head against my shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew then.<\/p>\n
He did not mean one more before resting.<\/p>\n
He meant one more before dying.<\/p>\n
And suddenly the next appointment stopped feeling like part of a routine.<\/p>\n
It felt like a deadline.<\/p>\n
Cancer reduced Arthur\u2019s world in stages. First he stopped driving at night. Then he stopped climbing the stairs unless necessary. Then the stairs became impossible altogether, and we moved a … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11187,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-one-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11190"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11190\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11238,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11190\/revisions\/11238"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/11187"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}