The elevator doors closed behind me before I had decided whether getting inside had been courage or stupidity.<\/p>\n
The nurse pressed seven.<\/p>\n
I watched the numbers illuminate.<\/p>\n
Three.<\/p>\n
Four.<\/p>\n
Five.<\/p>\n
My reflection in the steel doors looked like a stranger who had forgotten to sleep.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Lacey tell you who I am?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
The nurse glanced at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told me your name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
That somehow made it worse.<\/p>\n
When the doors opened, she pointed toward the last room.<\/p>\n
\u201c714.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped into a corridor softened by low voices and rubber-soled shoes.<\/p>\n
Halfway down, I nearly turned around.<\/p>\n
I had spent twenty-two years imagining Lacey as frozen at twenty-one: pretty, wounded, furious, disappearing toward Nashville while Jeremy and I built the life she had expected to have.<\/p>\n
The woman behind Room 714 was dying.<\/p>\n
That should have made everything simple.<\/p>\n
It did not.<\/p>\n
Her door stood partly open.<\/p>\n
I heard a weak voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that Jill?\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse looked at me.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
She pushed the door wider.<\/p>\n
Lacey turned her head.<\/p>\n
Time did something cruel then.<\/p>\n
I recognized her eyes immediately.<\/p>\n
Everything else had changed.<\/p>\n
Her face was narrow. A scarf covered her head. Clear tubing ran from her arm to an infusion pump. The hands resting on the blanket looked almost translucent.<\/p>\n
But the eyes were still blue and observant.<\/p>\n
She studied me.<\/p>\n
Then she smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou came.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse left us.<\/p>\n
I remained beside the door.<\/p>\n
Lacey nodded toward a chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can sit. I\u2019m not contagious.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old sharpness in her voice surprised me.<\/p>\n
I sat.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Finally she looked at my left hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still wear your ring.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at hers.<\/p>\n
A plain gold band.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mouth tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe bought mine at Walmart.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSounds like Jeremy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe spent twenty minutes comparing rings that all looked identical.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat also sounds like Jeremy.\u201d<\/p>\n
The almost-laughter died between us.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you love him?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
No hesitation.<\/p>\n
My chest tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you still?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked away.<\/p>\n
Lacey watched me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wanted me to lie?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know what I wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI stopped wanting lies a while ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat makes one of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
She accepted the blow.<\/p>\n
\u201cFair.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the equipment beside her bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did you marry my husband?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I asked him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what are you asking?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy him?\u201d<\/p>\n
A sad expression crossed her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause when you\u2019re dying, you stop pretending the people who mattered didn\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n
I folded my arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds romantic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt wasn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou married him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe lied to me for three years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou took his name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop agreeing with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat would you rather I do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDefend yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer unsettled me.<\/p>\n
Lacey shifted against the pillows.<\/p>\n
Pain flashed across her face before she hid it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI got sick more than three years ago,\u201d she said. \u201cAt first they thought treatment might buy me a long time. Then things became complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInsurance.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPartly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDavid told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes closed briefly.<\/p>\n
\u201cDavid talks too much.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe talked because everyone else lied.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Again, no defense.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ran into Jeremy here,\u201d she continued. \u201cBy accident.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou expect me to believe that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I expect you to decide what you believe after you hear everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen had you last seen him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYears.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTwenty?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlmost.\u201d<\/p>\n
I studied her.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe recognized you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe walked past me first.\u201d<\/p>\n
A faint smile appeared.<\/p>\n
\u201cI looked terrible. I called his name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe bought me coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen kept coming back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll have to ask him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat it was complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey gave a tired laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is Jeremy\u2019s favorite phrase when the truth makes him uncomfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite myself, I smiled.<\/p>\n
It vanished quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did you learn he was still married to me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe second time he visited.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you let him keep visiting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew what happened between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou hated me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The honesty cut cleaner than denial.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why tell him to keep coming?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told him to go home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRepeatedly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I was alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy parents were dead. My brother lives across the country. My closest friends have children and jobs and their own problems. Chemo appointments are very long when nobody is waiting beside you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the chair near her bed.<\/p>\n
The upholstery was worn at the front edge.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy sat there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMany nights.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Tuesdays rearranged themselves in my memory.<\/p>\n
The exhaustion.<\/p>\n
The hospital smell.<\/p>\n
The nights he came home unusually quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you sleep together?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey looked straight at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNever?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid he kiss you?\u201d<\/p>\n
She hesitated.<\/p>\n
My stomach tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore the marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJill.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon't.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt happened once.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sentence is supposed to help?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told him afterward it could never happen again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd he agreed?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery noble.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have every right to be angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop giving me permission.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know what else to give you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words stopped me.<\/p>\n
I sat again.<\/p>\n
After a moment I asked, \u201cWhy marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy coverage became uncertain. Jeremy tried to help. There were forms, appeals, options that went nowhere.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI asked for more than insurance.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt least you admit it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf dying?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf dying as if nobody had ever chosen me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
Lacey rubbed her wedding band with her thumb.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor years, I told myself Jeremy leaving me didn\u2019t matter. Then I got sick and all the old stupid wounds became loud again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you wanted to prove you could still have him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer hurt because I understood it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I asked him to marry me, I knew it was wrong. I knew you existed. I knew what it could do to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd he agreed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her ring.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you think that made you his real wife?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer surprised me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what did it make you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA frightened woman wearing a ring.\u201d<\/p>\n
My anger had nowhere clean to land.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said you hated me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor stealing him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did steal him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked tired suddenly.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy told me something after I got sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I had spent years blaming the wrong person.\u201d<\/p>\n
My skin prickled.<\/p>\n
\u201cMeaning?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou behaved badly at twenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo did he.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was not an object you could steal, Jill.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t how it felt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot to me either. Not then.\u201d<\/p>\n
She swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut he chose you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words struck somewhere I had kept sealed for two decades.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe told you that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLast year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I accused him of ruining my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
My mouth went dry.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe told me I had left before I knew the whole truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat truth?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was pregnant when I left.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everything inside me stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEight weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened sharply.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course Jeremy\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid he know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe knew I was pregnant before I left.\u201d<\/p>\n
I gripped the chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why did he let you go?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I told him I didn\u2019t want him anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I was angry. Because he had kissed you. Because I wanted him to hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice weakened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI moved to Nashville. Then I miscarried.\u201d<\/p>\n
I covered my mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Jeremy know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYears.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the woman in the bed and suddenly saw the twenty-one-year-old she had been.<\/p>\n
Pregnant.<\/p>\n
Humiliated.<\/p>\n
Angry.<\/p>\n
Then grieving alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted him to believe I was fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s cruel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She did not flinch.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe were all cruel in small ways back then.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy tell me now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I\u2019m running out of later.\u201d<\/p>\n
She reached beneath her pillow.<\/p>\n
An envelope appeared in her hand.<\/p>\n
My name was written on it.<\/p>\n
Jill.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething my lawyer prepared.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did not take it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind of something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy doesn\u2019t know I\u2019m giving it to you today.\u201d<\/p>\n
That got my attention.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTake it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJill.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have had enough surprises from people named Tolley.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mouth curved faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cTechnically, that includes you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
Then, against my will, laughed.<\/p>\n
It lasted one second.<\/p>\n
Lacey held out the envelope again.<\/p>\n
I took it.<\/p>\n
It was heavier than a letter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s inside?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRead it somewhere private.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you\u2019re going to be angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m already angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMore.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else could there possibly be?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey looked toward the door.<\/p>\n
Footsteps approached.<\/p>\n
She whispered, \u201cJeremy doesn\u2019t know everything I put in there.\u201d<\/p>\n
The door opened.<\/p>\n
My husband stopped on the threshold.<\/p>\n
He looked first at me.<\/p>\n
Then at Lacey.<\/p>\n
Then at the envelope in my hand.<\/p>\n
All the color drained from his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cLacey.\u201d<\/p>\n
She did not look away.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jeremy stepped inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you give her?\u201d<\/p>\n
I held the envelope against my chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething you apparently didn\u2019t want me to see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJill, please.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo more please.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked twenty years older than he had three days earlier.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was going to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
He had no answer.<\/p>\n
I pointed toward Lacey.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou married her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou kissed her.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes snapped toward Lacey.<\/p>\n
She closed hers.<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou lied every Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou let me think you were working.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you love her?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jeremy looked at the floor.<\/p>\n
Lacey turned away.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Finally he said, \u201cI cared about her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room became very quiet.<\/p>\n
I had wanted truth.<\/p>\n
I had not understood how much truth could hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you love her now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey began crying.<\/p>\n
Jeremy continued before I could speak.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut not instead of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed bitterly.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t get points for finding enough love for two wives.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause for three years you apparently thought you could have two marriages as long as one happened on Tuesdays.\u201d<\/p>\n
He lowered his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n
I had prepared for excuses.<\/p>\n
His surrender made me angrier.<\/p>\n
Lacey spoke from the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is between my husband and me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s my husband too.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words escaped her softly.<\/p>\n
All three of us froze.<\/p>\n
Lacey closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her ring.<\/p>\n
Then mine.<\/p>\n
Jeremy stood between us without moving.<\/p>\n
Two women.<\/p>\n
One man.<\/p>\n
Two legal records.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two years of history pressing into one hospital room.<\/p>\n
I raised the envelope.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is in this?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jeremy stared at it.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t open it here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause there\u2019s something you still don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at Lacey.<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cOpen it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jeremy stepped toward me.<\/p>\n
\u201cJill.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tore the envelope.<\/p>\n
The elevator doors closed behind me before I had decided whether getting inside had been courage or stupidity. The nurse pressed seven. I watched the numbers illuminate. Three. Four. Five. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9712,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-one-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9715","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9715"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9758,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9715\/revisions\/9758"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/9712"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feelonestory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}